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Stephanie
07 June 2012 @ 11:09 pm

Well. It's been a while.

I'm not sure if anyone even uses LiveJournal regularly anymore, anyway, but I used to like it here, back in the day when it seemed like people posted regularly and it facillitated communication between its users. I think I'll try reviving this journal experimentally- Mostly to see if I feel it's worth it, though I have my doubts.

***


I spent some time kicking and punching a brick wall this evening out of sheer frustration.

I'm in a situation where whatever I do, I may very well end up having to swallow my pride, which doesn't sit well with me. In one case, it'd mean having to smile and pretend that I'm OK with something someone did, when I've been spending the last week cursing her name (out loud when no one's around or when the only people around are those who are willing to indulge my ability to nurture grudges) and was so angry last week that it very nearly made me physically ill. In the other, it'd mean having to rely financially on Alex, and while it's something I'd only do as a last resort and it's something that he can afford and will allow to happen without begruding it, the idea of having to does not appeal to the value I place on independence.

I dislike being treated as a disposable commodity. I've learned various things about myself over the last week, many of them unpleasant, though that's the one that resonates with the greatest intensity. It's a fairly obvious realisation (who would like it?), though not one I'd ever considered, never having needed to.

I've had distractions over the last week- I am surrounded by brilliant and chaotic people who are, intentionally or not, able to drive out the sense of impotence that comes from not being able to say exactly what I think to the person I'd love to say it to (appallingly, I may never have the chance to say it), but when I run low on company or distraction, it returns.

More on that later.

***

It seems I've developed a sense of hubris about the almost superhuman immune system that one develops from spending several years working with children. Yes, it's true that I almost never get sick, but perhaps making out with someone who I knew had spent the last two days laying in bed with a sore throat was pushing things a bit. The swelling in my throat would indicate that this is so.

***

I like this band, but it's very obvious that they very badly want to be Belle and Sebastian.

 
 
Current Mood: enragedenraged
Current Music: Math and Physics Club - 'April Showers'
 
 
Stephanie
25 April 2012 @ 04:03 pm
I keep meaning to start updating again.

Not much to say at the moment, mainly because I am rather hungover. The weekend's been... interesting, in the way that is typically indicated through use of coy ellipses. Right now, it's Sunday afternoon, and I'm sitting on the couch in pajamas (having just woken up) with a half-grown kitten by my side, waiting for my oatmeal to finish cooking and contemplating when my life reached the point where I can arrive at a party, find out that my boyfriend and best friend hooked up in my absence, and think, 'Huh. That's kind of hot.'
 
 
Current Mood: Headachey
 
 
Stephanie
01 January 2012 @ 01:17 pm
Idea stolen from musicforwolves

Advice for me on January first, 2011:

You will feel better than you do right now- Start counselling and keep busy. Ditch your shyness and push yourself outside of your comfort zone. You aren't pregnant. Join roleplaying games and keep LARPing! Quit your AFS volunteer job- Between uni and two paying jobs, you really don't need something else sucking up your rare free time. Keep knitting and you'll finish the sweater, eventually. Your Spanish final will be fine and you'll feel drained by the experience, but the next few days will be unexpectedly awesome and you'll them building cushion forts and hanging out giving and receiving massages in the Botanic Garden after dark. Maintain contact with old friends. Cutting off contact with your mother will feel terrifying at the time but the sense of relief after it's over is worth it. Drinking so much pisco in such a short amount of time is a really bad idea and you will regret it. You'll relapse from the depression you experienced at the beginning of the year when winter hits. The snowstorm will be over soon- It will make you feel like a mess, however, and you should accept the support of those who know what you're going through. That said, antidepressents are an excellent idea and you'll wonder why you didn't consider them sooner. You'll make it out of the trimester alive and with decent grades despite hating every second you spend at Vic. Buy books. Listen to good music. Go swimming. Finish the actual moving part of moving in with your boyfriend as soon as possible, and everything will go well from there. It's ok to want to make Christmas as stress-free as possible and for New Year's to be quiet. You will make it through this year, even though right now, you're apathetic and hopeless. Hang in there, it will get better.
 
 
Stephanie
10 November 2011 @ 10:18 pm
Know what would be amazing? Not being controlled by the weather. Depression in winter caused by lack of natural light, nausea and headaches in the summer from the humidity, plus the temporary bout of anxiety that happens every year when the days start getting brighter. I can't win.

I want a giant, horribly artificial air-conditioned American mall, or to be temporary free from obligations so I can curl up in bed with ginger beer and panadol. Thankfully, my flatmates have let me borrow their dehumidifyer, which providing blessed relief as I write this.

(I'm OK, really. Aside from the humidity-induced nausea, which is particularly bad at the moment, everything's going well- But I do get fed up with the weather's dominance over my wellbeing, and wanted to vent a bit. AAARRRG.)
 
 
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
 
 
Stephanie
09 November 2011 @ 02:26 am
I'm packing to move from Kelburn to Hataitai- Four days away, though I'm still in slight denial, as evidenced by the fact that I've only just started.

Shortly after I began, a softball that I'd forgotten I owned rolled out of the closet and hit me in the foot- hard. I suspect it'll be sore tomorrow. 

I started off by dividing my clothing into two categories: Keep, and donate. Soon enough, it became clear that these were not sufficient, and a third was added: Donate- Oh, no, wait, I might be able to use that as part of a LARP costume one day.

I've also discovered that I own a copy of my favourite book from middle school (quite possibly my favourite book of all-time. In spite of all of the books that I've read and loved, I don't think I've ever loved a book so intensely since eleven-year-old me read it for the first time: The Changeling by Zilpha Keatley Snyder. I can't remember buying it -I suppose I must have picked it up in my haul at the giant bookfair that a local Christian organisation holds every year as a fundraiser for the various charities they oversee- but frankly, I'm astonished that it could come into my possession with no clear memory of its purchase remaining in my mind. I remember just how much this book meant to me, aged eleven, and how much I longed to own it- Almost impossible, then, since it had been long out of print (it's since been re-issued, much to my delight). The copy that I checked out of the library almost monthly was the same one that my mother had read during her own middle-school years and was quite possibly one of the newest ones in existence at that time. On various occasions, I toyed with the idea of reporting it to the library as lost, paying the fine out of my allowance, and happily hoarding it to myself, or taking a more honest approach, pointing out to the librarian that it had only been checked out ten or so times in as many years -and that each of those ten issues was to my library card) and begging him to sell it to me. I was too shy to do either. I believe that one of the first things I did when my family gained internet access was to try to locate a second-hand copy, without success.

The book's painfully introverted protagonist and her lack of interest in befriending those whom her parents considered 'suitable' resonated deeply with me, as did her ability to lose herself in the fantasy games that she and her best friend created. Throughout the lonely hell of a horrid school in a horrid town, this book seemed to be telling me, 'just hang in there. Things will get better.'

Oddly enough, Snyder, whose books kept me sane through middle school, and whom I haven't thought of in years, came up in conversation with SSar just the other day. Finding it now seems very, very right.
 
 
Current Mood: happyhappy
 
 
 
Stephanie
23 October 2011 @ 07:35 pm
So it seems that I've gotten through the last term at uni with consistent B grades, with the odd A or C thrown in for variation. I just got back the Sociiolinguistics research assignment that I was afraid of failing, only to discover that my worry was needless.

Considering how, for the first half of the term, I was too busy hating everything to put much focus into schoolwork, and the second half I was on medication that helped me not hate everything but made me so tired that I missed more than a few classes and lacked the energy to put a decent amount of work into many of the things I should have been more diligent about, I'm absolutely OK with -and happily surprised by- my run of Bs.
 
 
Stephanie
10 September 2011 @ 12:22 pm
Yesterday on my lunch break, stopping at a crosswalk, I spied a friend waiting to cross from the other side of the street.

The light changed, we began crossing. When we met in the middle, we waved enthusiastically, hugged, then waved good-bye, all without saying a word.

It was a small incident, but it made a day spent imprisoned in an office doing data-entry a little bit brighter.
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
Stephanie
29 August 2011 @ 07:05 pm
A friend's Facebook post sparked my interest into looking through old LJ entries, specifically, entries from the months just before and after I turned 20, a period for which I get oddly nostalgic, despite not being particularly happy a lot of the time.
I was alternately amused and alarmed to recall that five/six years ago I:
  • Apparently lived off of a diet of melty mints and Tim Hortons English Toffee cappuccinos.
  • Had the same taste in music that I do now, but was far less judgemental about music that didn't fall into genres that I enjoy and others' enjoyment of it. Huh.
  • Was immensely snobby about comics and only got over it when I ran out of Neil Gaiman's novels and short stories and had to break my resolve and delve into Sandman in order to satisfy the need to read more of his writing.
  • Deliberately deprived myself of caffeine during the month of October so that it would have a stronger effect when I wrote my NaNoWriMo novel. This resulted in November being a whirlwind of emotional highs and very little sleep, which was actually a lot of fun right up until the end, when I became mildly insane and started experiencing an uncomfortable, strangling sensation. Being the overly-dramatic self-styled martyr that I was, and being perfectly healthy otherwise and unable to find an explanation, I imagined that the need to escape my home town was literally squeezing the life out of me. Eventually I realised that I was in the habbit of tying my scarf in a way that allowed it to become increasingly tight as I walked around.
  • Worried excessively about the price of petrol. This did not stop me from taking the most roundabout routes imaginable to get from one place to another, or even from circling the route a few extra times before going home, because I derived immense satisfaction from blasting indie music or Brazilian psychadelic rock while speeding along country backroads.
  • Spent three months unable to touch metal. I'd receive a strong shock every time I did. It started and ended without warning, and it seemed to happen independently of the weather or what I was wearing or any other factors that may have affected it- At one point it was so intense that I had to stick the notebook I'd written my grocery list on through the handle of the freezer doors in the supermarket and pull on it because I'd get a strong, painful shock even if I covered my hand with my sleeve.
  • Thought nothing of driving 55 kilometres, even in the dead of winter, in order to reach a better library than the one in the town next to mine.
  • Went out of my way to avoid mixing with anyone at the local community college, where I took classes, because any stronger of a connection with the place than I already had, even casual friendships, represented the potential to hold me back from getting out.
  • Narrowly escaped a weekend in North Carolina with my mother and someone I didn't want to travel with. I have no recollection of who this might have been.
All day, I've been walking around with my head in the past, feeling unsettled. Nineteen-year-old me was deeply unsatisfied with a lot of her life's circumstances, and to be honest, she had the right to be, but she seemed to have had a certain sense of freedom and stronger inner resources than twenty-five-year-old me does.
 
 
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Sleigh Bells - 'A/B Machines'
 
 
Stephanie
26 August 2011 @ 11:31 pm
I'm on proper holiday now. Woke up on Monday thinking, 'Ah, uni break. The only thing that would make it better would be if I didn't have to go to Fish Serve,' followed up with 'What if I didn't?' Decided to find out how much leave I've accrued, hoping to be able to take a day off next week and have a long weekend- And discovered that it was more than enough to take the entire week off. My last day at Fish Serve until classes start again was today, so after a day of mild unpleasantness (data entry interepersed with a visit to the physio for my ankle, which, fortunately, seems to be healing and now has pieces of tape wrapped around what I assume are places that will be beneficial to its continued improvement, but which are currently making it feel rather stiff and awkward) I'm free to do whatever I please for the next nine days. I do have to look after the kids I nanny for on two afternoons, but I love that job and not having to go there straight from my other one means I can hang around Newtown before work to go op-shopping or settle down with a book in one of several of its cafes that I love but rarely have time to visit. Now that winter seems to be on its way out it's easier to take the kids out on adventures, which is fun for all of us, and makes my job easier- When they're cooped up inside for long periods of time and have fewer outlets for their energy, their behaviour suffers.

It's been a good week. Went to a gig on Sunday night (Times New Viking) at the San Francisco Bath House with SSar and Marian, a play ('Glorious') at Bats with Alex on Tuesday, and to Viva Mexico with Nik yesterday for lunch. Enchiladas! And Mexican coffee! So good! I may have to start going there to get it when I need a caffeine fix. Also, the waiter told me 'You should be using Spanish!' when I ordered. He knows that I can speak it, and has told me I'm welcome to practice it when I go there, and apparently thinks it's good enough that I had no excuse to not be using it and that not doing so was just laziness on my part, which it was, and so in an odd way, getting told off by a native speaker for not using it was kind of exciting. Swam in Freyburg pool and read in the sauna. Visited the zoo two days in a row with the younger two of the kids I look after and and saw Happy Feet the penguin- Their family lives on the same street and they have a pass, so we can rock on in whenever we feel like it. We also got a good look at a kiwi, which we've never managed before- They try to be quiet in the kiwi house, but being pre-school aged children, they get excited, and consequently loud, at the first sign of one, which usually means no decent kiwi sightings for us. The journals of LM Montgomery came in on interloan at the library, I've had some good chats with my friend Gabby in New York, and I've finished knitting the mittens I was making from my handspun wool.

Alex called my accent lovely, which, I'll admit, pleased me. When I moved to New Zealand I noticed it constantly, never out of embarrassment or self-conscioussness, just awareness; when your accent's so different from that of almost everyone else you speak with, you notice your own voice in a way you wouldn't otherwise. After more than four years I'm as used to New Zealand accents as I am to my own, so I rarely notice how I sound in comparison with everyone else, but despite having one of the few American accents in my circles of friends and aquaintances, it's still my accent, and difficult to think of as anything out of the ordinary.

Tomorrow I've plans to play Rock Band, then go to a party at night at the home of a friend who's known for his Epic Pizzas (the last one involved chopped up Double Down burgers from KFC, hardboiled eggs, bacon, ham, and various kinds of cheese). Sunday Layne, Kate and I are going on a dinosaur walk- Which essentially means meeting up and engaging in whichever random antics strike our fancy while wearing our dinosaur hoodies and probably making a lot of 'RAWR!' noises and pretending to stomp things. The next nine days should be fun. :)
 
 
Current Mood: relaxedrelaxed
Current Music: Amanda Palmer - 'Creep'
 
 
Stephanie
14 August 2011 @ 12:55 pm
So it seems it might snow, and part of me is saying: "Yay! "

I don't know if it's because snow's gained a certain novelty it never had before (growing up in Western New York leaves you with a lot of strong opinions about snow, none of which have anything to do with novelty) from living in New Zealand for four years, or if my brain's simply caught the fervor everyone else is experiencing: Checking Facebook this morning, I observed several instances of gleeful anticipation, amongst a lot of 'fuck, it's cold. Do I really wanna go out?'

Of course, I still have an essay to finish and two tests to study for, which leads me to hoping that: A) It won't take as much time as I'm expecting or B) It lasts beyond Thursday (or we get a fresh snowfall before then), which is when the two-week uni break starts.

Snow is miserable when you deal with it between five and eight months a year, but since there's absolutely no danger of that happening here, the idea is actually somewhat appealing, and I'm guessing the Wellington definition of 'shitloads of snow' (which we may, apparently, be getting) isn't quite the same as the Sheridan definition of 'shitloads of snow' (waist-deep drifts, don't even think about going out on the road unless you have seriously pimped-out pick-up truck that's equipped to deal with that shit, or that jug of milk is worth risking your life for). A few days to watch it and say 'Hey, that's pretty!' and maybe have a snowball fight or something before it melts and doesn't show up again for another fifteen years could be rather nice.

All I want to do at the moment, really, is curl up under blankets, drink hot chocolate, knit and watch TV, read trashy novels, bake cookies, and spin wool. Four days to break, and then, I vow I shall spend all of my time at home on nothing but such pursuits.
 
 
Current Mood: weirdweird
Current Music: Tripping Daisy - 'Rocketpop'