Well. It's been a while.
I'm not sure if anyone even uses LiveJournal regularly anymore, anyway, but I used to like it here, back in the day when it seemed like people posted regularly and it facillitated communication between its users. I think I'll try reviving this journal experimentally- Mostly to see if I feel it's worth it, though I have my doubts.
I spent some time kicking and punching a brick wall this evening out of sheer frustration.
I'm in a situation where whatever I do, I may very well end up having to swallow my pride, which doesn't sit well with me. In one case, it'd mean having to smile and pretend that I'm OK with something someone did, when I've been spending the last week cursing her name (out loud when no one's around or when the only people around are those who are willing to indulge my ability to nurture grudges) and was so angry last week that it very nearly made me physically ill. In the other, it'd mean having to rely financially on Alex, and while it's something I'd only do as a last resort and it's something that he can afford and will allow to happen without begruding it, the idea of having to does not appeal to the value I place on independence.
I dislike being treated as a disposable commodity. I've learned various things about myself over the last week, many of them unpleasant, though that's the one that resonates with the greatest intensity. It's a fairly obvious realisation (who would like it?), though not one I'd ever considered, never having needed to.
I've had distractions over the last week- I am surrounded by brilliant and chaotic people who are, intentionally or not, able to drive out the sense of impotence that comes from not being able to say exactly what I think to the person I'd love to say it to (appallingly, I may never have the chance to say it), but when I run low on company or distraction, it returns.
More on that later.
It seems I've developed a sense of hubris about the almost superhuman immune system that one develops from spending several years working with children. Yes, it's true that I almost never get sick, but perhaps making out with someone who I knew had spent the last two days laying in bed with a sore throat was pushing things a bit. The swelling in my throat would indicate that this is so.
I like this band, but it's very obvious that they very badly want to be Belle and Sebastian.